Festivals, sports events, grandma’s high tea luncheon… all have stringent policies when it comes to unauthorised booze.
But there are times when a warm, overpriced, half-strength beer just won’t cut it… I’m sure there would be plenty that would agree there’s nothing quite like the naughty buzz when you’re brazenly breaking rules. And besides, when is drinking vodka out of a watermelon not classy
A friend recently relayed the tale of the time they smuggled vodka into the cricket via watermelon, and in a stroke of pure genius, he let it sit for a week to infuse. He promised it was very potent and they had a jolly time. The upcoming 3-day festival I was about to attend would the perfect time to try this devious plan, I resolved!
Here’s a little rundown of the weeks prior…
1. No watermelon in season, but have found a delicious looking rockmelon. Sure it will be fine.
2. Off to the bottle-o to find the nastiest, cheapest most potent vodka in existence. $20 for 750mls of a brand I can’t pronounce? Sold!
3. Pierce rockmelon with chopstick to create ‘small hole’. Attempt to cipher out seeds from rock melon, but in the process, create quite large hole.
4. Find funnel dad left behind when he did car oil change. Wash thoroughly.
5. Rinse rockmelon out. Surrender to fact there is no way to get all the seeds out.
6. Funnel in vodka. Bench is now vodkery, rockmelony mess. Puzzle over how to plug large hole.
7. Wallow in smug jubilation with ingenious solution to bung rockmelon with carrot.
8. Glad-wrap thoroughly. Leave ferment in fridge for 5 days. Check progress every couple of days. Rockmelon miraculously soaks up vodka, so top up.
9. Arrive at festival, ready for secret special mission to smuggle in precious, now leaking, rockmelon. Cradle precious cargo on journey from car, across paddock, across the river on a ferry, and another paddock.
10. After hideous 3 hour wait in a hideous line discover that security is checking bags. Crap.
11. Get bags searched. Asked why A) rockmelon is wrapped in glad wrap, (erm….) and B) Why is there a carrot in it? (ahhhhh….)
12. Mean security guard pours vodka in bin despite much eyelash fluttering on my part. But receive rapturous applause from long line of punters. Revel in new-found infamy.
13. Security guard (not mean, now lovely!) lets me keep my rockmelon (hurrah!). Tell slight fib as to how long it was fermenting.
14. Meanwhile, thanks to securiti-diverting power of rockmelon, next-in-line walks through with three water bottles full of vodka. Shares it with me as consolation prize, and marvels at vodka-infused rockmelon ingenuity. *blush*
15. Get photo taken, posing with now-famous rockmelon and head security guard for ‘Contraband Wall of Fame’. I am second most-clever alcohol smuggler he has seen today, and it is the first time he has ever seen a rockmelon plugged with a carrot. First prize goes to the dude who bought a gift-wrapped box full of rum… (I thought mine was better).
16. Eat rockmelon for breakfast next morning. Barter what’s left with nice-looking Cambodian rock climber for the dregs in his hip flask.
17. Enjoy festival with much joviality.